BFF -- or FBB?

This scenario has happened more than once: me, sitting confused and hurt, wondering why I became friends with that person in the first place. I'm sure anyone who made it to kindergarten has felt the same emotion on some level. I remember a school play when I volunteered to bring in a "Zero" candy bar for my friend to use on stage (we were learning our numbers). I don't remember which number I played on stage, but I very much remember that after the play, she ate my white chocolate treat. I cried; she didn't even ask if I wanted it back. Today, I definitely would not cry. (Have you ever seen how white chocolate is made?)

However, I have felt a sense of betrayal by a good friend on more than one occassion, and over issues much more serious than a silly piece of candy. And so.... I have had to learn the hard way the value of loyalty. And forgiveness. It seems you can't have a true friendship without both. When do you let yourself get mad? When do you let yourself forgive? And, when do you make yourself stay mad?

The question is: How do you react to friends behaving badly (FBB)?

When I'm on the other side of that judgment equation, when I'm the one charged for crimes against friendships, I would want leniency. Yesterday, I broke my boyfriend's favorite coffee press. I was easily forgiven.* But in truth I've done worse. In high school, I dated a friend's boyfriend -- after they had broken up, yes. But still a horrible thing to do because she actually still liked the guy. I lost that friend for good, understandably, and for the wrong guy, not understandably. It helped me learn the lesson of loyalty. It took me much longer to learn about forgiveness.** I'm probably still learning both, to be honest.

Some pals are just impossible to throw away for good. They're the cockroaches of friends. You may get mad, you may fall out for a brief period (go into hiding under the Fridgedaire?). But when the seasons change, that friendship will see the light of day again, no matter what.

Unfortunately, I have also learned throughout the years, that there are some people who are worth letting slip into life's jet stream. Sometimes people or relationships that take more than they give and I've had to ask myself: is this really worth it? It's a painful process to come to the answer.

That said, it's also a good time to remember the value of loyalty, and no friendship should be tossed aside hastily. As I mentioned, there was a time when I was less than loyal and I learnt (or "learned" - which is proper?) through loss why it's so important. We have all been wronged by certain people along the way. Some of my friendships have been tested to the point of break-up. Some endured that test, and those friends over time are for certain the most precious. With this in mind, here is a little something I cobbled out on the subject.

An Indictment

You’re my friend --

Not a parent

Not a teacher

Not my boss.

So please don’t scold

Don’t preach

Don’t correct

Don’t pick one friend over another,

unless you want me to do the same --

to obstacle you when you’re on that path

towards hurt and torment.

I may resist

your words

like you resist mine

and that’s ok in our rulebook.

We have rules unwritten.

There is no need to document the fine line

between

our right and

our wrong --

rendered obsolete they will be

because even in the trial of our friendship

the end verdict will stay the same.

A life sentence: friends.

-Ariana

*I imagine if I were to shatter more than one piece of favoured glassware, that forgiveness would be a bit more hard won.

**Remind me to tell you that story one day.